Thursday, June 27, 2013

Your Incompetent

Have you ever had anyone tell you just how incompetent they feel you are? All I can say is it is not a very good feeling. It seems lately that every idea I have, whether good or bad, the ideas get squashed, squashed flat as if someone takes their foot as hard as they could and just squashed it.

 Just when I think I am winning - SPLAT

Squashed not because it is a bad idea, just squashed because it is MY idea. For instance, I wanted to redecorate our living room, paint, furniture, etc. and all I get is, "we need to get a professional in here to do that if we want it to look good." Ummmmm, excuse me. Who the F.... am I. Obviously, NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Lately I have really been trying to convince my family to homeschooling, and I understand the reservations and concerns that one would have. Trust me, if anyone has competency issues, it would be myself. But to have someone actually say to you, one of whom is suppose to be supportive and loving every inch of you, basically tells you that he doesn't think that they would learn anything, that they probably would have to go back to public school next year and have to redo the grade because he doesn't think I can teach them a thing. Really!!!! Even if I was really bad at it, I think I could teach them enough that they wouldn't have to stay back a whole grade if they had indeed needed to be put back in public school. Thanks for the vote of confidence.

The other issue is with socializing. I was told that they would become hermits - like I am just going to sit in my house and go nowhere and do nothing. I tried to tell him my plans for sports and homeschooling clubs, etc.

I really tried to put his reservations and concerns at ease with my plan of action I have for our kids, in which he replied that it doesn't really matter what I say to him, he isn't going to think things any differently. REALLY. I mean I do have concerns and reservations, but I am willing to give it a go, give it my best shot, and it really hurts when someone who suppose to love you tells you that he doesn't think your best is good enough. OUCH!!!!!

I really hurt today, my heart is breaking all over again. It is breaking for me, for my children, but really for him, my husband. What a lonely, sad life he has. Too bad in the meantime he makes everyone around him sad and lonely too.

Luckily I am a believer, and I believe that I need to get all my love and comfort from my Father, the Lord, my savior. He will comfort me. I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. (Phil. 4:13) It is just hard not to have a physical being here in earth who has arms to hold me, and who I hold in my arms as well. I just want someone I can love that will in turn love me back. I struggle with this. I would think God would place people in our lives that can love us, unconditionally. Life here is hard enough, but to have to go it alone - total suckiness. 

I do know what he is really doing though - my husband that is. He doesn't want to be the bad guy and say no. So he is going to make me feel so incompetent, so worthless that I just give up on the idea. I don't think he realizes, however, that God has, in the past couple of years, turned me into a strong, loving, worthy piece of work.  He created me, my husband didn't create me, and I refuse to be defined by what my husband tells me I am - incompetent.

I do have my children that I can pour out my love on. I want to do what is right for them. I believe homeschooling would be good for them, for us. My dilemma right now is do I just go ahead and do it with not an actually OK from the man of the house. He doesn't understand that his thoughts of my incompetency will only make me stronger to achieve my goals.

Any feedback would be great. I do believe that he is suppose to be the head of the household, and I am his helper. Even if he is not a believer. But if he never really says NO I cannot do it, then ..... well I believe this leaves the door wide open for me to do what I feel is right. But, this could be the evil one trying to spin his nasty web.

What are your thoughts? I am just trying to be a good wife to a lousy husband. I need to love and be there for my children as they really do not have a father. He is here in body, but definitely not spirit. I just hope that I can be their all, with the help and love from God, so they turn out okay without too much emotional baggage.

Peace out people. God be with you. "A new command I give you: Love one another" HELP!!!!

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